Saturday, June 9, 2012

The Silence is Deafening

No doubt that the lack of running miles is taking its toll.  I went for a run this morning, and although it went well, I wondered if I could still run a half marathon tomorrow.  Probably not.  This was a 4 mile run, and I was ready to be home by the end of it.  In my defense, I think running long distances is much easier when you have a running partner, and I had none.  I also think it would be easier without  a running partner if you weren't running in Texas in the summer, but maybe that's just me.  Marathon training starts up on July 14th, so the miles will eventually go back up into the double digits.  I can't feel too bad about it (although I do) because of all the other stuff I'm working on right now.

It's hard sometimes to not be so down on yourself.  For the first time since this whole thing started, I lost an argument with the voices in my head.  I was supposed to get up for Spin on Thursday, but I was really tired and (I must admit) medicated.  So when the alarm went off at 5 am, I heard the voice say quite loudly, "GET UP!" 

Instead of an argument like I normally have with myself, I simply responded, "No." 

"Get up!  Just get moving, and you'll feel better and you'll be glad that you went!" my inner self said.

I responded  by rolling over and going back to sleep.  There was no discussion.  No banter.  I just ignored myself and rolled over.  And I didn't wake up until 6:30.  Then I proceeded to have the worst swim lesson, so there wasn't even that to feel good about at the end of the day.  I should have argued with those voices.

I bring this up because today my Dad had a book signing at Barnes and Noble.  The title of his book is The Silence is Deafening: Poetry by the Voices in my Head and Other Friends, and he was autographing his book and singing some of the songs from his CD Poets and Dreamers.  Like me, my Dad is his own worst critic.  He inspires me; he inspires others.  He was nervous about today, but as I watched him grab his guitar and sing his own songs, I was so proud. 

Autographing his book

The sign was on the store window.  Awesome!

He was confident.  He was warm.  He was personal. And he played music and words that were his and his alone, melodies that only existed in his mind before he put brought them to life to share with us. 

I was proud.  I was moved.  And I was inspired.  And I realized that I must get my tenacity from him.  He doesn't give up.  He keeps going, and he looks for ways to improve. 

I had a bad swim day.  But I'll keep going.  And I'll look for ways to improve. 

The silence is deafening.  And even though sometimes the voices in my head are not nice, I prefer having them to listen to, to guide me, and yes, even to fight with if necessary.  It will only make me better in the end.

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