Sunday, May 6, 2012

Ready for Battle

I've blogged a lot about the voices in my head, the mean girls that won't go away, and how it's a constant battle that I fight.

I am battling now!

Yesterday, I went out for my second brick.  I started with an early-morning bike ride with my little one.  I was just going to take off, but she enjoyed it so much that I wanted to take her again.  That bunny was in the same place, and I hope one of these times he's a little closer so she can get a better look.  As we were riding, a couple of different bikers passed us up.  I've noticed them before when I'm running, but it's like that.  Once your interested in something, you see it everywhere.  

We got back, and I dropped her off.  I circled around and took off on my own.  But I forgot to restart the Garmin, so I didn't get to pace my 2 mile solo ride.  But I think it was a good one, and my total bike time totaled somewhere around 25 minutes or so.  So I grabbed my bike and put on my helmet (blech!) and reset the Garmin for running making my transition as quick as possible.  I took off down the street.  Again, my legs felt like lead; but I was determined to run in longer intervals.  

Determination was losing out to the heavy feeling.  Then a biker passed me up, and I was jealous that he would be done with his mile much fast than me.  I had my music with me thinking that that would help, but it didn't.  I just couldn't find the groove I was hoping for.  Rather than going for the two miles, I took a cross street that would shorten my run to 1.5 miles.  And then that biker passed the road that I was coming up to.  And I hated him.  

I rounded the corner, and the mean girls were very present and very loud.  Seriously.  What the hell was I thinking?  This is only 3.5 miles on the bike and I haven't even run a mile, and I suck!  How did I think I could be ready for something like this.  I can do this.  I can't.

I looked up and someone had dumped a blue recliner on the curb for heavy-trash pick up day.  And I felt so heavy.  I wanted to quit.  And I wanted to cry.    I could just sit in that chair and cry.

But I passed the chair. I just kept running, and I had a conversation with my sister in my head.

Me:  "I can't do this, Angie!  I can't!"

Angie: " can!  And you will!  And you're going to look back on this and laugh after you finish in August."

I sighed.  And I did keep going.  And I found a groove.  And I finished my 1.5 miles.

When it was all said and done, my run segments were pretty good!  My first mile was at a 14.5 and the last half mile was a 13.4 pace.  These are good runs for me even when I haven't ridden for a few miles beforehand.  

So what the heck?  Why am I beating myself up?

I called my sister to thank her for the conversation she wasn't there for.   We've known all along that these voices and mean girls are DAMMED LIARS!  LIARS and yet they remain so powerful.  

I'll continue to battle them.  But next time I'll remember much sooner that I'm not alone. I have my own army of warriors to help me fight them off.

Love you, Sis!

1 comment:

  1. Right back at ya Sis! Ain't nothin' but a thing, right? :-) I'm so proud of you ((HUGS))!