My youngest loves to shop. I mean really loves it. I on the other hand do not. But today, we were at Academy exchanging some cleats for my husband, and I saw a t-shirt that I had to have. It's one of the Life is Good shirts with a runner on the front. It was indulgent, but gift cards are supposed to be used for indulgences. While I was looking around, my hsuband and my little one were picking out visors and hats for me to try. He knew I needed something to keep the sun and sweat out of my eyes. I gave my little one the choice and she picked out a turquoise one. I know it hasn't been that long since I was there before, but I decided to make the leap and buy clothes anyway. They had shirts on sale, so I got one to match. Then I moved on to the pants. As I was looking at them, she picked out a pair with a turquoise strip on them. She said, "Look, mommy! These match!" There was such excitment in her voice. And I took them from her. But I couldn't do it. I pictured myself in this "outfit" and I knew I would feel ridiculous. "No," I told her. "I don't want matching ones." She persisted, and I just kept saying I can't. Then she said, "Why are you worried about matching? You shouldn't worry about people. Why do you think they are going to make fun of you or something?"
I don't know if that's what I'm worried about, but she's probably not too far off base. I knew I'd feel silly. But why? I picture myself out there running. My overweight, slow-paced self with a red face with wet sweat spots all over the front of my shirt. I'm still beating myself up no matter what I've accomplished so far.
It's not about vanity for me right now. I put clothes on and get to work. I want to feel good and be comfortable, but looking cute is far from my mind. But it seems like I evidently feel like I shouldn't even try. Like being overweight takes away that right. And what she said to me is exactly what I would tell her in any given situation. We do our best to give our children confidence and courage and to stand up for themselves. We tell them it doesn't matter what people think.
Maybe I've done a good job of teaching these things, but I am not doing a good job of being a good example.
I did not buy the pants.